Suicide

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

“What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?
(…)

What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war”

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

Since my last blog post on sexual abuse and emotions I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. At the same time I notice a change: I have made a decision to fight back! In fact, I made this decision the day before I wrote my last blog post. On this day I made several decisions:

I have had quite a difficult week since last weekend, a week during which my depression has taken centre stage and I have gone further and further downhill, until Thursday, when I hit rock bottom and luckily I had a therapy session with my previous psychologist (my new psychologist who is an expert in trauma and sexual abuse unfortunately tested positive for COVID on Monday - something that caused me to crash brutally straight away. Luckily I quickly got an appointment with my previous psychologist).

Emptinesses. There are many kinds of emptiness. I feel a great emptiness in my life, already since the beginning of the pandemic two years ago. An emptiness of meaning. More than a month ago I wrote about the depression I have been suffering from since the pandemic, and sometimes this depression gets stronger, and I am left without the strength to go on living.

Yesterday I started the day with a brutal downturn. Already the day before - on 31 December - I had a very hard emotional flashback in the afternoon, and it took me a long time to get out of this flashback, going out and relapsing several times. And I'm not even sure if I really got out of this flashback that day. At night again I felt very down, I had a lot of fear in my stomach, and I had a hard time sleeping (and I didn't sleep well or much).

All the world is rising up like vomit
Filling up my ugly little mouth
There's a sickness deep inside my eyeball
Got to find that tool to cut it out

If there's only one way out
Then tell me now
Lead me through the door
I get sick just laying around
Let me out

I wanna destroy something
I wanna destroy something
I wanna destroy myself

Ezra Furman: I wanna destroy myself