I don't want to take it anymore! (Let's talk about suicide)

Yesterday I started the day with a brutal downturn. Already the day before - on 31 December - I had a very hard emotional flashback in the afternoon, and it took me a long time to get out of this flashback, going out and relapsing several times. And I'm not even sure if I really got out of this flashback that day. At night again I felt very down, I had a lot of fear in my stomach, and I had a hard time sleeping (and I didn't sleep well or much). Then yesterday I woke up again with fear, and with a feeling of "I can't take it anymore!" I was emotionally exhausted, exhausted from so much fear, so much pain, and it never seems to end. I had a few better, or at least more stable days, first in Bilbao, then in Berlin, where I spent the days usually called Christmas with a good friend, but on my return, and perhaps triggered by the end of the year, I became quite unstable again, and once again I reached the "I can't take it anymore!"

But yesterday morning, this "I can't take it anymore!" turned into "I don't want to take it anymore!" Why continue to fight with my demons of the past? Why continue to live? Why? I have lost the will to continue to fight and to live. I have lost my strength, my energy. I don't know from where to get the strength to go on.

So let's talk about suicide. It is not the first time that I feel suicidal, or on the verge of being suicidal. And I'm not just talking about (elaborated) suicidal thoughts. I know all too well this passive suicidal ideation, thinking for hours about elaborate (and unrealistic) plans of how to kill myself, or how to disappear without leaving any trace. According to a mental health blog (in Spanish), "passive suicidal ideation occurs when you wish you were dead or could die, but you don't actually plan to kill yourself". With these elaborate plans it was always clear that I was not going to put them into practice. Although I was thinking and making plans (which I never finished), I never got out of passive suicidal ideation.

According to the same blog, "active suicidal ideation, on the other hand, is not just thinking about it, but having the intention to commit suicide, including planning how to do it". I think for me the clearest difference I feel is that my plans now are no longer very elaborate. Rather I think of the knives I have in my kitchen, of breaking a wine glass and cutting myself with the broken glass, or of other plans that are simpler and more easily and quickly executable.

I don't know if I actually go as far as the intention to commit suicide. But I have these urges sometimes thinking about knives, or other simple tools. And that scares me. Fear of myself, fear of hurting myself. What I do in these situations is to first tell a friend, and, if possible, to leave the house. I did it yesterday (I left for breakfast), and also today, when again in the morning I started to think about my knives and briefly felt this impulse. Yesterday, luckily, a friend came to accompany me during the day and also stayed the night, which, I think, was very good for at least stabilising me for a while. I don't even want to imagine what I could have done yesterday if I had spent the whole day alone... I was really afraid of myself.

Now, I think it's important for me to talk about suicide. Not to frighten my friends, but to have some plans and commitments that can help me when I really feel suicidal, when I really come to the intention to kill myself, when the impulse becomes so strong that...

And I am left with my questions, my doubts, with the "I don't want to take it anymore!": Why go on fighting with my demons of the past? Why go on living? A friend of mine told me that my struggle with my demons, that my blog is also an inspiration for others. Maybe it is, although I really write it mainly for myself. If you read this and my blog has helped you once, please now is the time when you can help me and tell me. Give me reasons to keep on struggling. Tell me if and how my blog has helped or inspired you. Because, now I am the one who needs your help. If not, maybe this blog will end with this post....

In Spain: Telephone against suicide 911 385 385