"I wanna destroy myself"

All the world is rising up like vomit
Filling up my ugly little mouth
There's a sickness deep inside my eyeball
Got to find that tool to cut it out

If there's only one way out
Then tell me now
Lead me through the door
I get sick just laying around
Let me out

I wanna destroy something
I wanna destroy something
I wanna destroy myself

Ezra Furman: I wanna destroy myself

I feel very bad today. I don't have the energy to convince myself I could get out of this shit stronger. I feel like an animal in its cage. I don't have energy for anything.

I slept very badly last night, with a lot of anxiety in my chest, so much so, that I had the feeling of a physical pain in the center of my chest. I got up late, had breakfast, and I didn't have the energy for much more. I went to do some shopping, about 200m from the house, and 200m back. Then - nothing. The anxiety is taking all the energy out of me. I'm not going to do anything today. Frustration.

I'm listening to music. Ezra Furman: I wanna destroy myself. I started crying, but the tears don't flow either. Shit! I had to get out. I went to Tramallol, under the pretext of having to scan some things, in case of another police check. In Tramallol, at first I had to cry. The space has been empty for six weeks now. My desk without a computer, as my computer is at home - not turned on for more than two weeks now. I managed to scan a few pages, and the energy was gone. Shit! I returned home for lunch, and then I played loud music (with headphones, so as not to disturb my roommates), and cried again.

I have thoughts of suicide, but I can't handle the physical pain. I have fantasies of searching the internet for the perfect way to commit suicide, but I'm afraid these kinds of pages won't come up, blocked. I don't really want to take my life either. I want to live, but not like this. Like this, life isn't worth living.