Depression

Complex trauma - self-care as a political warfare

Submitted by Alana Queer on Wed, 23/02/2022 - 12:27

“What makes a girl start a fire in the hall
Leave a lipstick scrawl on the bathroom mirror?
(…)

What makes a man take a hammer in his hand
Shatter every last window of the company store
At 3 AM with the furies back again?
Now it's him against them in a personal war”

Ezra Furman: Trauma (lyrics, video)

Tags: 
Trauma
Suicidal thoughts
Sexual abuse
Depression

Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Submitted by Alana Queer on Tue, 22/02/2022 - 15:02

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave.

Tags: 
Trauma
Sexual abuse
Depression
Suicidal thoughts

Depression and suicidal thoughts

Submitted by Alana Queer on Sat, 29/01/2022 - 20:23

I have had quite a difficult week since last weekend, a week during which my depression has taken centre stage and I have gone further and further downhill, until Thursday, when I hit rock bottom and luckily I had a therapy session with my previous psychologist (my new psychologist who is an expert in trauma and sexual abuse unfortunately tested positive for COVID on Monday - something that caused me to crash brutally straight away. Luckily I quickly got an appointment with my previous psychologist).

Tags: 
Depression
Suicidal thoughts
Trauma

Emptiness

Submitted by Alana Queer on Sun, 23/01/2022 - 16:39

Emptinesses. There are many kinds of emptiness. I feel a great emptiness in my life, already since the beginning of the pandemic two years ago. An emptiness of meaning. More than a month ago I wrote about the depression I have been suffering from since the pandemic, and sometimes this depression gets stronger, and I am left without the strength to go on living.

Tags: 
Trauma
Depression
Suicidal thoughts

I don't want to take it anymore! (Let's talk about suicide)

Submitted by Alana Queer on Sun, 02/01/2022 - 14:09

Yesterday I started the day with a brutal downturn. Already the day before - on 31 December - I had a very hard emotional flashback in the afternoon, and it took me a long time to get out of this flashback, going out and relapsing several times. And I'm not even sure if I really got out of this flashback that day. At night again I felt very down, I had a lot of fear in my stomach, and I had a hard time sleeping (and I didn't sleep well or much).

Tags: 
Trauma
Depression
Suicidal thoughts

COVID – Trauma – Depression

Submitted by Alana Queer on Tue, 14/12/2021 - 13:17

For a month now I have been reconnecting with my traumas - in the plural. A previously unknown trauma has arisen, a trauma from my last affective sexual relationship 13/14 years ago, which has connected me with the trauma of a possible sexual abuse in my childhood, and also in general with my complex trauma. All these traumas are interrelated.

Tags: 
Trauma
COVID-19
Depression
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