Complex PTSD - for the mutual insurance company it is cheaper for you to commit suicide

Today I had an appointment with the doctor of the mutual insurance company. The mutual insurance company is the institution that pays for my sick leave, as I am self-employed, and therefore has a supervisory function. That is to say, by default, they are based on distrust. As I have been on sick leave for "disruptive mood dysregulation disorder" (in reality for depression and complex PTSD, i.e. complex post-traumatic stress disorder) since 10 November, the insurance company no longer wants to pay for my sick leave. The doctor at the insurance company told me that according to his computer, the estimated time for PTSD is 30-48 days (complex PTSD does not exist). I don't know where he got this figure from. According to the Manual de Tiempos Óptimos de Incapacidad Temporal (4th Edition) of the Social Security, the optimum time for PTSD is 90 days. And this is PTSD, not complex PTSD (only included in the WHO's International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD11), in force since 1 January this year. Social Security uses ICD10). I have been on sick leave for about 110 days - not that far above what the Social Security manual says for "simple" PTSD.

I left the mutual insurance company with a lot of anger. When I understood what the doctor was talking about, I didn't wait for him to dismiss me, but got up, went out and slammed the door with all my might - you could hear it in the whole building, I think. In the street I started to cry and to feel suicidal. It is absolutely clear to me that I don't see myself able to work. Just the thought of going back to work pushes me towards suicidal impulses. On the way home I was somewhere between angry (and wanting to throw stones at the windows of the mutual insurance company's office, or Molotov cocktails), and feeling suicidal, depressed, and paralysed. I felt that in a few minutes this doctor had undone a lot of my progress of the last few weeks: keeping the depression under control (not overcoming it, keeping it at manageable levels), starting to better manage the emotions and symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress, and, for the first time since November, seeing light at the end of this very long tunnel. And now?

I am scared of what will happen when the anger subsides. I feel that now my anger is keeping me a little bit away from feeling suicidal, but later?

Also now all the traumatic images come to me: the usual image, the child looking at a man's erection; and also the images/memories of the disgust that sex caused me in my last affective sexual relationship. I prefer not to think about my childhood and all the complex trauma, but I feel again the distrust, the emotional abandonment, ... all the bullshit of complex trauma. I can't write without crying.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that all this will undo my progress of the last weeks and days. Now, I struggle - again - to connect with my inner child. And what can I say to them, how can I protect them, care for them, when I now feel in danger, grave danger? Just this morning, before I got up, I told them that they don't have to be afraid, that they are safe, that I will take care of them. And now? I don't feel safe, how can I take care of my inner child? And my fear is transferred to my inner child, and I'm afraid that they're going to hide again...

What does this mutual insurance company want? To push me towards suicide, so that they don't have to pay for my sick leave? To push me into a state of mind that justifies an involuntary admission to the psychiatry? What do they want? Obviously, they want to avoid paying.

I will not do them the favour of killing myself. I will fight, and if only for this. But, I'm also going to fight for myself, to defend my life, because seeing some light at the end of this long tunnel in the last few days has given me hope. And I will not let this fucking mutual insurance company take this light, this hope away from me. I will fight back!