Queer and queer activism

For the past few weeks I have been reflecting more on the development of my gender identity since childhood. Seven weeks ago I wrote about my questions regarding the gender identity of my inner child, and a few days later about reconsidering the development of my gender identity since my childhood. This last question continues to move me, and yesterday before going to bed and connecting with my inner child, I found them in a lot of fear and a lot of pain for not being able to show themselves as who they are, and for having to hide.

“Genderqueer participants disclose a poignant theme of not having the language to express their experience of gender until late into adolescence or early adulthood. This experience is also repeatedly described as a feeling of something being 'wrong.'”

Liam P. Malone: Gender identity and childhood experiences: an introductory quantitative study of the relationship between gender identity and adverse childhood experiences

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that there is an issue (or trauma?) regarding the gender identity or expression of my inner child. Five days ago I wrote:

I took part in some activities for 8th March in Sevilla with friends and our collective Disidencias del Sur and our banner "We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries". I started with lunch in the Alameda de Hércules. There was a good atmosphere when I arrived, with music and people dancing.

They want you dead
In their shitty world
Where it only matters to produce and consume
Where your emotions and illusions they have no space for
They want you dead

They want you dead
Because you don't produce, because you don't consume
Because you do care about your emotions
Because you want to tend to your trauma, to the wounds you carry from their shit
They want you dead

A week ago I took part in a civil disobedience action for climate justice in Lisbon. It was not my first civil disobedience action, nor will it be my last. However, in this action I realised that for me it is no longer the same.

I have been arrested several times in various countries during my activist life. My first arrest was in 1986 in Germany, in an action against a nuclear waste processing factory. The last one was probably a few years ago in England or Belgium. So, I know more or less well the process of an arrest in various countries. Although it is true that it is not pleasant, I have learned to manage the fear that always accompanies these situations. Or, so I thought, until last Saturday.

It is always good to put words to things. What can't be named, doesn't exist. And I have had a hard time positioning myself on the arromantic spectrum, between demiromantic and arromantic. This means that I rarely feel a romantic attraction to another person - no matter their gender, nor do I have any desire to establish a relationship. And I don't lack anything.

In the debate triggered by the PSOE's trans- and queerphobic discussion document, queer people are being made invisible, and part of the trans movement and the PSOE are joining in queerphobia.