My inner child doesn't know how to play (and neither do I)

A week ago I was at an LGBTIQA+ meeting/retreat in Catalonia, and one of the dynamics of one of the workshops really connected me with my inner child. I saw her on the floor, protecting herself with her hands above her head. She was crying, and my initial feeling was that she was crying for fear of playing, or for fear of being forced to play. It was the last workshop of the day, and after dinner I retired early to the room I shared with three friends - our safe space - and connected with my inner girl, whom I found crying again. Crying loudly, and with a lot of emotion, which I initially thought was fear.

It took me another day to understand that it wasn't so much fear, but rather shame. My inner girl is ashamed because she doesn't know how to play. And she is afraid that she will be forced to play and everyone will realise that she doesn't know how to play.

It reminded me of an article I wrote two months ago about "my happy childhood", and about the consequences of neglect in my childhood, a neglect that began with the birth of my sister when I was 1½ years old. I referred to an article on Reactive Attachment Disorder in which it says about some of the symptoms:

• "The child does not play with toys or engage in interactive play with others.
• The child is very withdrawn and does not interact with other children or adults."

It is like this. My inner girl does not know how to play. She has never learned to play, she has never learned to interact with other children. And, until now, I don't know how to play, I don't know how to relate to children. I feel insecure with children, and I get scared, and I block myself.

In the last session with my therapist we talked about the fact that I lack play, that I lack doing playful things. And that's true. But at that moment I didn't really understand the root of the problem. Yes, I have certain blockages to exposing myself in this way, but I didn't think about the fact that even as a child I didn't know how to play.

Trying to remember my childhood - from the age of 10, as I don't have any memories from before - it is true that I don't have any memories of playing with other children. My space was my model railway, and, perhaps, less for playing, more for escaping into my fantasy world. And, for the most part, I did it alone.

Drawing by my inner child, 16 October 2022

A few days ago a friend of mine gave birth to her baby. While I am happy that she is happy, at the same time this connects me to the beginning of my complex trauma, the beginning of abandonment and emotional neglect, which is at the root of my inner girl not knowing how to play. Today, my girl started drawing again, and, although she was only 1½ years old when my sister was born, my girl's fears and memories are of abandonment because there is another girl (a girl, while my inner girl was called a boy and forced to be a boy). And I feel very connected to the abandonment, to my girl's emotions. This morning, still in bed, I had to cry, and connecting with my girl, I found her crying loudly. I managed to calm her down, talking to her and telling her that she is not alone, that I am by her side, that I will never abandon her, that abandonment is in the past, but that I am with her now.

I am aware that I have lost friendships that were important to me because of the birth of a child. Then, I didn't understand what was happening to me, and instinctively I withdrew. Now, I think, I understand better what is happening to me, and although I need distance, I need to manage the emotions and fears that are triggered by the birth of my friend's daughter, I am at least aware of what is happening to me, and I can manage it differently, taking care of our relationship and also taking care of my inner girl, who feels scared and afraid. And, perhaps, this also helps me and my inner girl to learn how to play.