“A happy childhood”

Trigger warning:
This text contains descriptions of child abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, among others.

Those who know me know that the title of this blog entry can only be pure irony. I did not have a happy childhood. I had a childhood of emotional neglect, arbitrary violence (especially as a small child), sexual abuse, bullying... Not a happy childhood at all. And although I have worked on many aspects of my resulting complex trauma in recent years, in recent months especially the sexual abuse by my father and my older brother, I have always been left with one unanswered question: how does a small child come to reject their mother?

For as long as I can remember, and this is only from the age of ten or eleven, I have always rejected any physical contact from my mother, or rather, I have rejected my mother. I am aware that at least since my adolescence I have hated her (I do to this day), desired her death or imagined her dead. It is true that there were almost daily invasions of my intimate space by my mother, some of which, although not constituting sexual abuse, I experienced as such, especially with the history of sexual abuse by my father (and brother). But, these memories are from later in life.

My father wrote to me six years ago that I had "always rejected my mother" and that "my problems started when my sister was born", that is, when I was 18 months old. Perhaps, taking these pieces of information together, one could say that I started rejecting my mother from the age of 18 months on. And I was always left with the question: what happened to make me reject my mother?

Some more information: when my sister was born, my parents threw me out of their room and put me with my older brother. And, I gather from what my parents told me years ago, with three small children between 30 months, 18 months and a newborn, my mother was absolutely overwhelmed, which resulted more or less frequently in arbitrary violence and, most probably, in emotional neglect. A far from ideal context.

I recently came across a description of "Reactive Attachment Disorder" (RAD), a disorder specifically for children. According to Wikipedia: “RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. Such a failure could result from severe early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers between the ages of six months and three years, (...) or a lack of caregiver responsiveness to a child's communicative efforts.”

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) of the American Psychiatric Association, the inhibited form of RAD is characterised by:

• Consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers
• Persistent social and emotional disturbance such as:
  • Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others.
  • Limited positive affect.
  • Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident.
• The child has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as evidenced for example by:
  • Social neglect or deprivation in the form of persistent lack of having basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection met by caregiving adults.
• The disturbance is evident before age 5 years.
• The child has a developmental age of at least 9 months.

According to another article the following symptoms are relevant:

• The baby or child doesn't turn to his/her mother or main caregiver when upset.
• The baby or child avoids being touched or comforted.
• The baby or child does not smile or respond when interacting with an adult.
• The child does not show any affection towards his/her parent or caregiver.
• The baby or child does not seem to be upset in situations where you might expect them to be upset.
• The child does not play with toys or engage in interactive games with others.
• The child has difficult, aggressive behaviour towards other children or adults.
• The child is very withdrawn and does not interact with other children or adults.
• The child is anxious, fearful, or depressed.
• The child is unable to control his/her temper or anger.
• The child is not getting on very well at school.

It sounds very familiar to me. It fits almost perfectly with what my parents have told me about my behaviour as a child. I rejected my mother, I didn't tolerate physical contact from her (and, perhaps, not only from her. One of the intrusive images I had was of me as a child, naked, possibly on a table (not a bed), afraid of being touched), and "difficult and aggressive behaviour towards other children or adults" - the "aggressive" or angry outbursts I had.

In a way, I am reassured to have found this information. It allows me to explain my rejection of my mother from a very early age without having to look for other gross abuse (such as sexual abuse by my father, but this was later in life, at maybe seven, eight, nine years old). But isn't neglect, the inability to respond to a child's emotional needs, gross abuse, pretty serious child abuse?

And then there was the sexual abuse by my father (and my older brother). There is no "better" victim of sexual abuse than a child who rejects their mother. Who can they turn to for support? And, sexual bullying at school. Again: there is no better victim than a child already badly damaged by neglect and sexual abuse at home.

I know that I never felt loved by my parents, I didn't feel seen or understood. I rejected my mother, and after the sexual abuse I no longer have any memories of "living" with my father (or my brother) - it's as if I never lived with them. The first 22 years of my life are more marked by memory gaps than memories, and the few memories I have are mostly traumatic.

A few weeks ago my therapist asked me when and by whom I first felt loved. I had no answer. And when I think about it now at first I have only an emptiness. Nothing and nobody. Then - again - the name of Angelique comes to my mind, a friend when I was maybe 13, 14 years old, but of whom I have no memories either. After her again a lot of emptiness.

On the other side I wonder if I would have been able to feel loved. I built myself quite a few layers of armour to feel nothing, to survive, and I don't know if with so much armour it would have been possible to feel loved. I would probably have been afraid. Fear of losing again this person who loves me.

In short, a happy childhood.