Girl, 10 or 11 years old, bullied and abandoned

Today I feel like my inner girl, 10 or 11 years old, suffering the bullying that nobody sees, and when she fights back, when she gets angry because she can't take it anymore, she is the problem. Everyone - the teachers, my/their parents, everyone only sees her anger, her violent response, so she is the problem (and she is the problem. She is bad, it's not that she just has a problem. She is bad. Full stop).

I remember once, already in secondary school, probably when I was 10 years old. I don't know what kind of bullying. It was in class, and it was the classmate next to me. I don't know what he did. I know he didn't stop. When I couldn't take it anymore, I stuck a pencil in the back of his hand in such a way that the blood splattered.

Then, the teacher (he was a man) noticed, and I don't know what he did, but obviously the problem was me. Then, the anger was directed at the teacher in a violent way, because of the injustice I had suffered.

Of course, the problem was always me. Nobody saw the bullies. No one saw what happened before my explosion of anger. No one even wondered. The problem was me. The problem was this 10-year-old or 11-year-old girl.

At home, my mother - this girl's mother, who didn't even see the girl, just a boy - was threatening to send her to a home for children with bad manners. Total abandonment.

I have no more specific memories of bullying. Months ago I was confronted with images of bullying of a sexual nature on an end-of-year trip in the last year of primary school. And, from my father, I know that in primary school I also had these outbursts of anger. Over nothing? I doubt that very much. Just, again, no one saw what was going on before.

A few months ago I read an article about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), which really caught my attention, and I'm convinced that I suffered from something like this as a child, although perhaps not in the full clinical picture. I was particularly struck by the following symptoms:

• The child does not show any affection towards their mother or primary caregiver. I rejected my mother, according to my father "since always".
• The child has difficult and aggressive behaviour towards other children or adults.
• The child is very withdrawn and does not interact with other children or adults.
• The child is anxious, fearful or depressed.
• The child is unable to control his/her temper or anger.
• The child does not do well in school.

Such a child, who on top of that does not fit into gender patterns, who is not at all masculine (but was assigned boy at birth), who also suffers or has suffered sexual abuse at home, is the ideal victim of bullying. And is it any wonder that they are unable to control their anger, when they are being bullied? I doubt it. But, obviously, the problem is her, and the solution is to threaten her with total abandonment...

I don't know why, but today I woke up feeling like this girl. I thought of the only case of bullying and anger I have any memory of, and I cried... I was in so much pain, not because of the bullying, but because of the injustice that - again - I was the problem. Then, connecting with my inner girl, she also cried and cried. We were both with the bullying, not feeling seen or understood, feeling abandoned.

And I have felt like my girl all day today. I recently came out of a long, hot bath - my refuge, my safe space - and in the bathtub I also had to cry. I still feel like this girl, I still feel the injustice, the threat of total abandonment. I still feel abandoned, like my little girl.