My inner child and sexual abuse

My "encounters" or "conversations" with my inner child have not yet been able to put an end to my ongoing internal dialogue on the subject of sexual abuse. Have I really assumed a resounding 'yes' to childhood sexual abuse? Almost two months ago I wrote:

"But if I manage in time to resolve my internal dialogue (which, I believe, is only possible towards a yes), it is very likely that I will rewrite my gender history (and who I am) in one way or another."

Although my inner child provides me with some information, so far I have not been able to resolve this inner dialogue. There are days when I am 100% sure that I was sexually abused as a child, but then come other days when doubts are dominant again. And I feel I have to find a way to resolve this dialogue. It doesn't work for me to simply assume 'yes', let alone 'no'.

What is my inner child telling me?

The truth is that I am already rewriting my gender history, independent of the issue of sexual abuse. And I know from my inner child that there is a lot of fear, especially fear related to their body, to being touched, sexually or not. It has been very difficult for me to gain their trust so that they allow me to touch them, to hug them, and sometimes, when something might have happened to them, they still don't allow me to do that, and I need to regain their trust. I mean, it's pretty clear to me that my post-traumatic stress now has to do with my body, with the violations of my body in my childhood, whether they were in a sexual way or not. I also know that my mother has used me (or my body) as her doll, to satisfy her affective needs, ignoring mine and overriding my rejection.

But there is something else. From my conversations/meetings with my inner child it is quite clear that the subject now is my father, and not my mother. I no longer think about my mother's abuse and intrusions. They happened, but I feel that I have come to terms with them and overcome them. What hurts me now are abuses/violations by my father, and I am still not clearer about what kind of abuses/violations/maltreatments (clearly related to my body) they are.

Nine days ago I wrote:

“All this fear has to do with my father. I am much more aware of the abuse and mistreatment by my mother (...), but all this is to do with my father. My inner child told me the day before that my father hurt them, and one of the new images from a few days ago is this child sucking a cock, looking up, and the face they see is my father's.

I'm not taking anything literally, but that there is a theme with my father was already the subject of one of my flashbacks in Berlin in December. I'm also realising that the corner of this flashback and the corner of my inner child are the same corner...”

Two days ago in my conversations/meetings with my inner child an immense fear came up, thinking about the basement of my parents' house (not the "house of my fears" of my early childhood, but the house where I lived from the age of eight or so). I was very surprised, as actually this basement in a way was also my (unsafe) space of escape, where I had at first my model trains, and then my music, and where I spent a lot of time, as I shared a room with my brother. So I was very surprised when all of a sudden and unexpectedly a huge and inexplicable fear appeared.

This very day, in my half hour of managing my intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, for the first time the images of sexual abuse connected with a place - the basement. Until then, they were completely context-free images, just me as a child sucking cock, or looking at an erect cock, but there was nothing else to identify a place. Yesterday, these same images were placed next to the model railway in the basement.

Does this mean it's all true? No. I don't trust anything, unfortunately, although it would be much easier if I could simply trust these images and thus close and manage the issue. It would be very painful, but it would allow me to deal with it and move on. But my mind plays its games with me sometimes, shitty games, very painful games. However, these are new things that have come out of my work, out of my encounters/conversations with my inner child, and I suppose they have a relevance.

So, unfortunately, I continue with my permanent internal dialogue, which is probably no less painful than simply assuming what the images are telling me as fact, only it never ends, it doesn't allow me to turn the page.