My inner child and me (V)

I continue with my visualisations or meetings with my inner child on a daily basis. It is important to me to maintain regular contact, so that they don't feel abandoned again.

The day before yesterday, connecting with my inner child was very painful. I found them sitting in their corner, with their dress next to them, and crying. When they saw me, they came and hugged me, crying non-stop. I hugged them too, and told them that they were safe, etc. I asked them if they had been hurt, and they said yes. I asked them who, and they said 'daddy'. They didn't answer my question about what had happened to them.

We spent a long time hugging and crying. Sometimes I managed to calm them down, but they started crying again (or we started crying again) several times.

In the end I told them that it was time to go to sleep, and I proposed that they should stay with me if they wanted to, and that I would not touch them. I asked them whether they trusted me, and they didn't answer me. I asked them whether they trusted me that I wouldn't touch them, and they said yes.

In the end I left them like that. I went back to thinking about other things, I don't know what, the banner for 8 March, the workshop, but soon I slept.

I woke up several times. The first time I did a check-in with my inner child. They were pressing their body to mine, and were terrified. I told them again that I will protect them, that they are safe here, that no one can come in.
I went back to sleep, and when I woke up the next time my inner child was sleeping. I went back to sleep too.

I think I slept a total of 6-7 hours that night - not bad.

In the morning I connected with my inner child again. They were already awake, sitting next to me. I asked them if they had slept well, and they said yes. I asked them what they wanted to do, and they didn't answer. I asked them if they want to wear the dress, and they answered me with a smile, and went to pick up the dress and put it on.

I asked them if they wanted to learn to play the guitar with me, and they nodded yes. I sat down next to them, picked up the guitar, put it in their hands, and we tried a few notes.

In the end I left them with the guitar. I hope they liked it.

Yesterday, during the day, I was quite busy making our queer collective's banner for March 8th (We too are feminism: trans, queers, nonbinaries), and in the afternoon I had a therapy session, an intense session in which we talked about many issues, from the impact of the mutual insurance company on my mood to the abuse and mistreatment in my childhood.

Last night again I had an intense night of connecting with my inner child, before going to sleep and again when I woke up in the night. A lot of fear and a lot of pain.

Yesterday, before I went to sleep, I connected with my inner child. They were not where I normally meet them, I called out to them and after a while they came, in their dress which they had obviously put on in a hurry. They were standing at a distance, at first without looking at me. They seemed to me not present, disassociated.

I tried for a long time to reassure Them, to tell them that they were safe. They didn't come closer, wouldn't let me touch them.

I sat on the floor, with my back to the wall, near their corner, and invited them to sit next to me. After a while they did, without touching my body. They wouldn't allow me to put an arm around them. I kept talking to them that they are safe, that I will protect them, that no one can hurt them.

After a while they moved a little closer, rested their head on my side and started to cry. I let them cry, talking to them and trying to calm them down. After a while more they hugged me, and allowed me to hug them too. We cried for a while longer. When they calmed down somewhat I told them that they can stay with me for the night, again assuring them that I will not touch them. I am very aware that autonomy over their body is an important issue - something they hardly know exists, that no one respects.

I lay down and my inner child lay next to me touching my body with one arm on top of me. I told them again that they are safe, that no one can harm them, ...

In the end they slept. I left them, thinking about other things, but soon I was also asleep.

I woke up once at 2:00h, but went back to sleep more or less quickly. The second time it was around 5:00h, with my clothes wet with sweat, and I started to cry. I connected with my inner child and saw them next to me, in the fetal position, crying loudly. They wouldn't let me touch them to comfort them. They cried for a long time, and I tried to soothe them. I felt their fear, and I started sweating, feeling their fear. Eventually they relaxed, and lay down next to me. I told them again that they were safe, and that maybe they could try to get some more sleep. In the end we both went back to sleep.

All this fear has to do with my father. I am much more aware of the abuse and mistreatment by my mother, who used my body as her doll to satisfy her needs, but all this is to do with my father. My inner child told me the day before that my father hurt them, and one of the new images from a few days ago is this child sucking a cock, looking up, and the face they see is my father's.

I'm not taking anything literally, but that there is a theme with my father was already the subject of one of my flashbacks in Berlin in December. I'm also realising that the corner of this flashback and the corner of my inner child are the same corner...

This morning I am left with a knot in my stomach. I cried something, connecting with my inner child. They are afraid of what might happen to them this day... this is the knot in my stomach. They are afraid that I can't protect them, that they will be hurt again.

All this is very painful. Yesterday and also last night I was probably visualising my inner child for 30 minutes each time, crying a lot. There are issues of mistreatment or abuse by my father that I am not aware of, but they are very painful.

Let's see about today. I feel quite touched today, and I need to take care of myself. And today is the 8th of March, the day of the feminist struggle, of the feminist strike in Spain. Day of the struggle against cisallosexualheteropatriarchy.