My inner child and me (III) – getting closer

“I’ve been lied to and abused. Time to try to heal
Cut me loose, cut me loose
Let me get hurt. Let me feel.
Cut my bound hands free and point me toward the real

(...)

Now ever since I was a little child I have felt this same old fear
That I alone will freeze while the world proceeds, I’ll be forever stuck right here
But I can’t live the old way, that way nearly left me dead”

Ezra Furman: Point Me Toward The Real (video)

I had another intense night of emotions and connecting with my inner child. I had a super fat knot in my stomach. At the beginning I thought about the issue with the mutual insurance company, but it should have been more like anxiety (and there was some anxiety too). But in the end it was my inner child, very afraid of the new images (memories?) of the night before. Last night, for the first time, I had the image from the child's perspective - not from the outside - looking up as it looked at the man's erect cock, and I saw the person's face and who he is. I'm not going to say it yet, I'd rather talk to my psychologist first.

Again I connected with my inner child, crying a lot (me, the scared child at the beginning), and I spoke to them that now they are safe, that now I can protect them and that no one can hurt them anymore, and that this child was me, and that back then I couldn't protect them. At the end my inner child came to me and we hugged each other, and we cried together. They are so small and so afraid, but they also need someone who really loves them. They feel very lonely, very abandoned, very in danger. And they can't take it any more.

We were hugging, and I tried to calm them and reassure them that they are safe, and to make them feel that I love them without saying these words that make them so afraid.

Then I had a little less of this knot in my stomach, but we cried together for probably another half hour. I probably slept after three in the morning, but also not without waking up several times. I slept some, but not much.

Now, when I connect with my inner child, I am calmer, although I also have to cry sometimes - or, is it my child crying? This morning I saw to him in a dress, and I saw them smiling shyly. They don't talk to me yet, but they allow themselves to show who they are, how they feel. I don't mean to say that they feel like a girl. It was simply forbidden to wear a dress, and they would have liked it, I think.

I don't know what dreams my inner child had. Where they took refuge mentally to escape the fear, the pain. I do know that they didn't like boy things very much - the sports, the cars, the physical, competitive, violent games. I don't know if they would have liked the girl stuff - in a way I doubt it. They lived in their own world. They had their own dreams for sure. Dreams of a world with less suffering, less abandonment, less loneliness, more love.

And I promise my inner child that I will never abandon them, that they never have to feel lonely again, that I love them and that I will take care of them and protect them. It is not easy for me to sing, but I would like to sing this song to them:

“Let's organize our lives around love and care
Let's write each other letters and call that prayers
Let's congregate at a place that isn't anywhere
At the temple of broken dreams”

Ezra Furman, sin título (video)