Found - the child that was I

At last! At last, I think, I have found the child that was me, hiding and protecting themselves. I see them sitting on the ground in a corner, their knees as close to their body as possible, arms covering their head and covering their ears and eyes. But I see them.

5½ years ago I wrote this, at first just for myself, but then I posted it on my blog:

“The child that I am looking for is the child that was I 40-45 years ago. With 10 or 11 years, this child and any memory of it disappeared, were locked up, together with his and my feelings. I don’t know where this child is being locked up, and where they keys are to set it free. I don’t remember nothing of this child, what kind of life he lived, how he felt, and if he was happy – at least now and then. I have the sense that he wasn’t happy, or why did he disappear, why was he locked up? I only do remember the street where he lived during the first eight years of his life, and nothing more.”

I think they are even younger, maybe seven, maybe eight.

Last night, already after meditation, and already in bed, I thought again - in German - that I can neither think nor converse with myself in German. It was a trigger, and for at least half an hour I couldn't stop crying. Each time when I stopped crying, I thought of something similar, and started again. Then I managed to calm down a bit, but I started crying again frequently. At one point I thought of this child - my inner child - sitting inside some walls.

I don't know when I fell asleep. I woke up around 2:30 am, and I had the feeling that I had slept a little. Little, but some. I slept in chunks of maybe an hour until about 5:30h, but from then on little more. Today I am still very tired.

In the early morning, when I was already awake, I cried again frequently. I started to see this child - my inner child - for the first time. I look at them, and I see that they look at me when they think I'm not looking at them. I don't know who is more afraid, my inner child or my adult self.

5½ years ago I wrote:

“I sense that there are already some cracks in the walls that imprison this child, cracks through which some of the locked up emotions, up until now well guarded, filter through. String emotions that make me cry (something that I have been unable to do since the child disappeared and up to now). So far these emotions without memories, as there is nobody who could tell me the stories behind these emotions, the stories of this child. And these emotions cause me a lot of fear, fear of the stories the child could tell, or maybe the fear of the child? I don’t know, and to find the answer I have to look for the child – the child that was I.”

Now I have found them. And I'm afraid they might hide again. This morning I shyly said "Hello" to them, in Spanish, but they didn't react, but I had to cry again. I think we both need time. Time to get used to each other. Time to trust each other. I don't want to go too fast, only for them to hide again. For now I just look at them, leave them alone, so that they stop covering their ears and eyes, so that they take confidence.

Is it my inner boy, my inner girl, or my inner child? I don't know. We haven't been able to talk yet, they haven't been able to tell me anything. I prefer to talk, for now, about my inner child as neutral, so as not to assign them a gender that they may not feel comfortable with. Did they feel like a boy, a girl, a nonbinary child, a unicorn, ...? I don't know. I know that for as long as I can remember I have had my struggle with and against masculinity. But, the child, were they forced to be a boy, did they feel like a boy? Since I don't know, and I know from my adult self that assigning me the wrong gender - male or female - upsets me a lot, I prefer to take care of them and wait until they can tell me their story.

And the abuse, sexual or not? I don't know either. Why is the child hiding, protecting themselves, why are they so afraid? I hope that in due time they will tell me. For now I need patience, to approach them very slowly, and give them time to gain confidence. At least I have found them. And this is a step forward. I no longer have to look for the little child that was me.