Zora and Ginger

Trigger warning: mention of childhood sexual abuse. Graphic description in one of the images.

Zora, Ginger and Alana

Alana: Ginger has been part of our internal community since the first fanzine about our community. So, in January 2023, we wrote about Ginger:
“Ginger is a person of visions. And, with her visions of a better world, of actions, etc. she has the ability to inspire others and motivate them. Or, also, the rest of the community, especially Cris.
In the past, Ginger's visions had more to do with a fairer world, with social struggles. With Cris's disappearance, and, perhaps, also realising that we also need a vision for our lives, Ginger's visions are now smaller, perhaps more private. Above all, she also thinks of her own community, the trans*, nonbinary and queer community, in order to construct visions.”

In a way I understood Ginger almost always as a part of the team Cris and Ginger, that is, our activist part (Cris) teamed up with our part of visions and utopias - Ginger.
I will admit that lately I began to think that Ginger has little personality of their own, that, perhaps, they are simply a part of Cris, as I did not imagine Ginger without Cris. But all this changed suddenly a little less than two weeks ago.

Ginger: I don't know, Alana, but, I think, I understand you. I've almost always stayed on the margins, maybe observing, sometimes contributing with an idea, a vision, my utopia. The truth is that I was not very connected with my past before I joined Cris as a team. And, maybe that's why you came to think that I am only a part of Cris.
With what you said about two weeks ago you probably mean me realizing some of my traumas. How much I cried! You were very surprised, weren't you? But, when we took a bath that day, I suddenly remembered my model trains, which was always my world, my base from which to imagine another world, to escape to another world. And, when I was thirteen, my parents made me dismantle my model railway, to create space to set up a bar, a space for parties. For me, it was very traumatic. The model trains were my world. Also, the part of the basement where the model trains were was my space, as we all had to share a room with our older brother. But, not the basement, not the model trains.
Without my model trains I couldn't dream anymore. Without my model trains I had no space to escape to another world, to imagine another world. What was sustaining me had been taken away.
When, that day, I realized that, all the pain of that loss came to me. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. You know, Alana, you accompanied me in my crying, you comforted me.

Alana: Yes, Ginger. You really surprised me. I didn't know any of this, and I didn't expect you to cry so much. I don't think I've ever seen you crying before.

But, more surprises came after this first one. A few days later, I felt that Zora really needed to talk to you, and I opened our diary to your dialogue. And, another surprise...

Zora: I can imagine, Alana. The truth is that Ginger surprised me too. With Ginger's trauma I had realized that I had relied on Ginger a lot during the years of sexual abuse, not just during the abuse itself, perhaps even more so during all that loneliness that accompanied the abuse. I had no one to talk to. My mother? I hated her. My brother? I don't even know if he was abusing me too - it's possible. My sister? How? She was younger, and probably wouldn't have been able to help me. An aunt? Grandfather? Grandmother? I trusted absolutely no one in this fucking family, really. A teacher at school? Neither did I trust any. There was absolutely no one. I didn't feel loved by anyone. So, who was sustaining me was Ginger. Ginger would take me to their dream world...

Ginger: Zora, but you did not remember that you created me, that, at least initially, I was a fantasy of yours so that you were not on your own.
It is true, I took you to another world, to a more beautiful world, without adults. And I took you in one of my trains of my model railway, and each time I let you choose which train to take, where to go.
I know you needed it to survive. You needed to escape this hostile, violent world, the abuse and the loneliness.
I could not protect you from sexual abuse, this I could not. But I could take you to another world, so you didn't have to suffer so much. Sometimes I feel guilty that I could not protect you, but, perhaps, I have to accept that I could not, that, as your fantasy, I could take you to another reality, but I could not protect you from the reality in this violent world.

Zora: I understand you, Ginger. You did what you could do, and that was a lot. Without you I wouldn't have been able to survive.
I don't know how I could have forgotten about you, all of that, for so long, Ginger. I am so sorry that I have ignored you all that time. I have also seen you as one of the adults, as part of the Cris and Ginger team, but I have not seen you as my Ginger, who saved my life.

Alana: It is so nice to see you together now. I know that your reencounter has also been painful, both for you, Zora, and for you, Ginger. I know it has reconnected you with the issue of sexual abuse, Zora, and, even with a new memory, a new image. And I know it has been very painful for you.
And Ginger, I understand your sense of guilt, that you couldn't protect Zora. But, as Zora has also told you, you did what you could do, and with that you sustained Zora all that time.

This morning I didn't want to get up. It was so nice to see you hugging each other, and even Alex hugging you, and you all hugging me in bed. I felt so loved by you all too. And I also felt that you were very peaceful, very calm, and this made me feel very peaceful and calm too.
You have spent some turbulent days, of reencounter, of pain, of trauma, but also of your love for each other. It has moved all of us in our community. Sometimes I did not know how to sustain you.
That is why this image of this morning was so beautiful. I will always hold on to that image, I promise you, and I will be able to lean on this image of peace and tranquility in future difficult or turbulent times.

Ginger and Zora, I love you so very much.