Welcome my little boy! My inner community is growing

Since maybe two weeks, my inner community has a new member. My inner boy has appeared. There are now three of us - at least: me, my little girl, who has grown a lot in the last few months, and my little boy.

At the beginning my little boy was a ball of fear. He was even afraid to cry, and, although he cried a lot, it was not very liberating, as he was trying to suppress his crying, but without success. At first my girl rejected my boy, she was angry, and tried to throw him out of the "house". She tried to tell me that this boy was just a project of my parents, and that she was real, although completely invisible in her childhood. That's how we talked about it in therapy a fortnight ago. But the next day, at a friend's house and still in bed, thinking about what to say to this little boy, "my parents' project", I realised that this little boy was also me. This boy, this ball of fear, was not my parents' project boy, but another part of myself, like my little girl. And I had to cry...

So I decided to welcome this little boy, as I also welcomed my little girl, initially without knowing her gender identity (for months I called her "my little child", so as not to assign her a specific gender). My boy did not have the same rejection as my girl initially, who would not even allow me to sit next to her. On the contrary, my boy clung to me when I hugged him, and started to cry, with his crying suppressed. It was hard to hold this crying, this ball of fear. All the first week every day it was the same: when I hugged my boy, he clung to me, and only little by little he started to relax and hug me too. And every night I had to hug him until he fell asleep. Only in his sleep did he stop crying his suppressed cry.

My little girl initially took it badly. She started to cry too, reaffirming her own pain about her invisibility and the abuse she had suffered. My girl feels that she took all the abuse, especially the sexual abuse, as my boy hid when the abuse came. So, initially my girl had a lot of anger, and one of the first days I found her one morning hitting my boy, and my boy let himself be hit without defending himself, in silence. I think my boy felt a lot of guilt and shame for hiding, and thought he deserved to be hit by my girl. I had to separate them and explain to my girl that this is not the right thing to do. In general I had to spend a lot of time with both my boy and my girl, and this was emotionally very hard for me. Many times I had to cry myself after taking care of my girl and/or my boy.

Over time and seeing this ball of fear that was my boy, my little girl was not able to maintain her anger. She also started to hug my boy and to support me. A few days ago, in the morning, checking in with my boy, I found him sleeping and cuddled by my little girl, also sleeping. It was nice to see both of them sleeping and hugging each other.

At the same time, when my girl stopped crying and reaffirming her pain, she started to assert herself in a different way. Ten days ago she pushed me to go to my health centre and finally ask for my name to be changed (which they have already changed. Fast!). I did the same with the renewable electricity cooperative, the mobile phone cooperative, and any account where I could change my name. She also pushed me to start fighting with the Andalusian Employment Service for the change of my name and gender, an Andalusian administration that, eight years after the Andalusian Trans Law came into force, still does not apply this law. My girl has become a fighter, and these changes and fights are her way of vindicating herself, of making herself visible. I think this is a very good thing, to give visibility to my girl who has been invisible for decades.

Now, my girl wants more, she wants me to have an operation as well - gender-affirming surgery. But I am not going down this road, as I don't feel like a woman. We have been fighting for days, and I am trying to explain to my girl that I love her very much, that she is an important part of me, but that I am not her, and that I am not a woman but a non-binary person. I tell her that I understand her, I understand why she wants it, but that she also has to accept that I don't want it. And my girl responds with sadness and crying.

It is difficult for me. My girl feels rejected, and this connects her to the trauma of abandonment when my sister was born and my girl (and I) was 1½ years old. Then comes the fear of abandonment, the fear of taking a back seat (because now there is also my boy "at home"), the fear of neglect. And on top of that, my refusal to have surgery. I understand that she is having a hard time. But I can do nothing but tell her that I love her, reaffirm that I will never abandon her, thank her for everything she has done for me. And hug her. To give her all my love.

And my boy? Luckily he is no longer a ball of fear. At least he feels that he has a home, that he has his home, although he still doesn't quite believe in it, he still keeps a watchful eye out for potential signs of abandonment. Every time I hug him I tell him that he is at home, that I love him, that I will be there for him when he needs me, that I will never abandon him. And little by little he starts to trust. In the last few days he has lost his fear of crying, and he cries more freely which helps him to let go of his fear and pain.

Although apparently my boy was seen as a child, in reality this is not the case either. My boy was not the boy project of my parents. My boy was afraid, he did not meet my parents' expectations of masculinity at all. Who he really was was also not seen by anyone. Moreover, although my girl "did not exist", she was imposing herself by making me feel like a girl. So, I didn't see this boy either. I saw the boy project of my parents that I rejected.

On top of this, my boy also experienced abandonment after the birth of my sister. This trauma is a shared experience with my girl. I think my boy initially clung to me out of fear of being - again - abandoned. He needed reassurance that I could not abandon him. Now he has relaxed somewhat, and the pain of the abandonment and abuse he suffered is also coming out. Even though he hid, he watched my father abuse my girl, feeling powerless. And now he feels guilt and shame for hiding. He was also not free of all the abuse - something my girl can't see at the moment. He was not able to escape from the shower when my mother touched him. He was not able to escape all the intrusions into his intimate space, he was not able to escape the bullying. And, I feel that my boy has this same fear of being abandoned again that my girl has.

As my boy is no longer a ball of fear, my girl's anger has returned. And it's a vicious circle. This anger only makes my boy feel even more guilt and shame, and this reinforces my girl's anger. I need to break this cycle, otherwise it will hurt both my boy and my girl.

At the beginning I was afraid that I have to do the whole process that I have done with my girl since February again, with the whole issue of sexual abuse. But then I realised that no. Although I feel that my boy has stayed in January, when my girl took "control" and pushed me to the decision to fight, and my boy was pushed aside, I am not going to do this same process. I have already accepted sexual abuse as a reality in my life, so I will not go back to the intrusive images, to the doubts about the yes or no of sexual abuse. Most probably I have to accompany my boy in his process of grief and mourning for the abuse, and his process of overcoming guilt and shame, but I am at a different point now.

However, this whole process costs me a lot of emotional energy. I find it hard to support myself in this process. I cry more, I am sadder, often without much energy for other things.

But I am glad that my little boy has joined my inner community. There are now three of us at home, and I hope that soon this community will grow even more. Although it is hard sometimes, especially now, I like my inner community. And I am looking forward to getting to know more parts of my community.