The horror of the face masks II

From today, the face mask is 'almost always' mandatory. That is, when you walk alone in the countryside, in a bar, a terrace or a restaurant while you're not eating or drinking, and I don't know what other situations I can't imagine. The order from the Consejería de Salud y Familias says:

1. Persons aged six years and over are obliged to wear a face mask on the public highway, in the open air and in any enclosed space for public use or which is open to the public, even if the interpersonal safety distance of 1.5 metres can be guaranteed.

This is to "address the spread and proliferation of COVID-19 coronavirus in localised outbreaks". In other words, should we always wear the face mask throughout Andalusia because of localised outbreaks? I find it stupid and pointless, and it has made my trauma return.

I cannot and do not want to comply with this order. Two months ago, when they first made the face mask mandatory in certain contexts, I wrote:

“With the mask the health crisis comes to my body, that is, the crisis (and the state) impose something on me that has to do with my body. A body not respected with its limits in my childhood and adolescence, that is, during the first 20 years of my life. A body, which has suffered repeated invasions into its intimate space for 20 years, and possibly abuse. A violated body. For me, the masks feel like an invasion, a violation of my body, and not a protection. Again, no respect for my body, no respect for my intimate space, no respect for me.”

I have managed to put on a mask the few times when I go to a supermarket or some shops where it is mandatory. Also when I went by bus to Granada two weeks ago. I can understand (and to a certain extent I agree) the reasons why you have to wear a mask, especially in public transport, where it is impossible to keep an adequate distance, and it is a very confined space. It has been hard for me, and I didn't go to any supermarket probably for at least two weeks. And I've never been out of my house with a mask on.

Now, the situation is different. The new rule is meaningless, it's arbitrary, and I don't see myself overcoming the feeling of my body being violated because of a meaningless rule. This morning, just thinking about this rule and having to leave the house with a mask on, I started crying. I wrote to my psychologist and my lawyer, and I managed to calm down enough to work. I found it hard to concentrate on my work.

Then I had to go out, although only about 100m to a copy shop. I put my mask on when I left the building's entrance, and I almost panicked. When I left the copy shop, I took off my mask and carried it in my hand until I got home. Since my return home, I haven't been able to work. I'm in a state of panic, I feel like I'm collaborating with the violation of my body. I'm trying not to think about this, I'm trying not to feel too much. I'm on the verge of crying. It is clear to me that I cannot and will not comply with this order. I cannot obey an order that requires me to collaborate with my own violation. I had to do it too much in my youth, do things that didn't make sense, violate my own body, follow orders from my parents that seemed like a violation to me. Never again!

This order takes away my desire to get out. It takes away my desire to meet friends in public spaces, on a terrace or in a bar. It takes away my desire to go for a walk. It takes away my desire to live. How long? A year? More? A year of collaborating with my own violation! Impossible! I feel helpless, and I panic. I feel like I can't handle this. And I don't know what to do. It scares me. I' m afraid for myself.