Sexual abuse? - Emotional and mental chaos!

Since my episode of feeling suicidal at the beginning of the year I am getting to the point of assuming a resounding "yes" as an answer to the question of sexual abuse in my childhood. Clearly my new narrative - this "most likely something happened in my childhood, something at least bordering on sexual abuse, I don't know what, I don't know how bad, but something happened" - doesn't work for me either.

But it's not that easy. In reality I am in emotional and mental chaos. It's not as easy as just saying to myself "yes, I was sexually abused as a child", and moving on. To begin with, saying this is super painful. Assuming that I have suffered this kind of violence, this violation of my bodily and sexual integrity, is not something trivial. It causes me a lot of pain, I start to cry just saying it to myself, or thinking about it.

And, my mind has no memories, what do I do with this, what right do I have to say that I have been a victim of sexual abuse in my childhood, if I have no memories?

Two days ago I had a meeting with four friends, after I started talking about feeling suicidal. It went well, it was very emotional. But when a friend told me about sexual abuse, that I always talk about how I don't know for sure, but that my body tells me something, that my body remembers, I had to cry. The same thing happened to me the next day when I talked to a friend about how I am in the process of coming to terms with a "yes". And the same day in the evening, when I was reading a book about asexuality (as I define myself on the asexual spectrum), and I read a paragraph (unexpectedly) about trauma from sexual abuse and asexuality, I felt a strong punch in my stomach. Is this my body talking? Does it want to tell me something? Does it want to tell me "yes"?
I had a terrible night, sleeping little and crying a lot. A lot of pain, some fear. And always thinking about the yes or no of sexual abuse. I'm not asking myself, what happened to me? I am not looking for memories. I don't want to know more about the possible abuse. I am simply in the process of assuming a resounding "yes".

But: I feel like an imposter. How can I say yes if my mind doesn't remember anything? And again I cry. There is no way out.

And, another part of me resists a "yes". It resists, because it is painful. It resists, because it doesn't trust my body, my emotions. It resists.

Confusion. Most of all I feel a lot of confusion. I don't know what to think, I don't know what I feel. I know I feel pain, I know I feel fear, I know I have to cry because of both pain and fear. But: pain, why? fear, why? what am I afraid of? where does this pain come from?

In my last therapy session on Monday both my psychologist and I came to the conclusion that she can no longer accompany me adequately, that I need to work with a psychologist who is an expert in childhood sexual abuse. But does this give me certainty?

It is true that a lot of things have been stirring in me in the last few days, things that have to do with sexual abuse. And, in addition, there is an image that has been recurring for weeks, probably since when the trauma of my last affective sexual relationship came to me: a child (me?) looking at the erect penis of an adult man. At the beginning of remembering the trauma of this relationship many times I didn't know when I thought about the trauma if I was sucking my then partner's cock or if I was ten or less years old and sucking someone else's cock. Then the image stabilised and now it is always the same: a little child looking at the erect penis of an adult man. This image comes to me at unexpected moments, like when I was thinking about me, my mother and the shower (something that could also qualify as a form of sexual abuse, although without sexual intentions), when I had a violent flash in which my father appeared, or when I want to enjoy the pleasure of masturbating - now made impossible by this image.

What do I do with all this? What do I do with the image? What do I do with the memories in my body that seem to want to tell me that a resounding "yes" is the right answer? What do I do with feeling like an impostor for not having memories of sexual abuse in my mind? What do I do with my emotions, with my pain, with my fear? What do I do with the part of me that resists a resounding "yes"?

I feel confused. I feel exhausted. I don't know what to think. I don't know anymore what I really feel. Chaos. Emotional and mental chaos. And my mind won't stop. My mind keeps going round and round with my emotions...