Why I won't go to Pride

The desperate ones don't disappear
We're all still hanging around
And what do your rainbows do?
What do your bright flags do?
What do your rainbows do here on the ground?

Ezra Furman, Come Close, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEegYQsLwrU

Yes, we, the desperate ones, are not going to disappear, as the trans singer Ezra Furman sings in Come Close. And, your rainbows, your Pride carnivals (it no longer makes sense to call it a "march" or a "demonstration". It's a carnival), don't help us at all. I don't need your shiny rainbow flags. I can do without your pride.

And it's not because I'm not proud of being trans*, of my queer body. It's because I don't see myself reflected in your mostly gay, hedonistic, alcoholic, consumerist carnival. I don't feel that in this carnival there is a place for my wounds, and neither for my rage.

My wounds. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and it is likely that my non-conformity with my assigned gender at birth has at least facilitated the abuse. But where is the space in pride to talk about those wounds? On the contrary, I do not feel safe with my wounds at a pride carnival, marked by hypersexualisation and alcohol. I have suffered unwanted physical contact (not to say sexual harassment) at a pride before, and I just froze, unable to react, returning to my trauma of abuse.

I am asexual. Where is there room for asexual visibility at Pride? Yes, I could go with an asexual flag, or a banner, but in the hypersexualised Pride environment, who would notice the asexual presence? And, there is a lot of ACE-phobia in the LGBTI community (I consciously omit the 'Q' and 'A', as do almost all collectives). You don't get us, do you? But, I am proudly asexual and arromantic, and I can do without sex and romantic-sexual relationships.

According to a US study on the prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in heterosexual and homo- or bisexual adults, 64% of heterosexual adults had at least one adverse childhood experience and 26% had three or more. Among sexual minority adults, 83% had at least one adverse childhood experience and 52% had three or more.

For example, among heterosexual adults, 13% suffered sexual abuse in childhood, among homosexuals 30%, more than twice as much. Among heterosexuals, 33% suffered psychological abuse, among homosexuals 57%. Among heterosexuals 24% suffered physical abuse, among homosexuals 40%.

According to the study, “the researchers found that LGBQ people experienced a greater number of bad mental health days per month regardless of a prevalence of an adverse experience as compared to their straight peers. For example, LGBQ people who experienced one or more ACE reported 10 bad mental health days a month, compared to five days per month among straight people.” What is there to celebrate?

According to another research by the US NGO FORGE, almost 50% of trans adults were sexually abused as children. And where is this reality discussed? Where are the specialised services for trans survivors? There are none in public health, nor are there any by LGBTI NGOs, nor is this reality talked about. What is there to celebrate?

Trans musician Ezra Furman said in an interview: “I feel like, as powerful as Pride expressions have been in the past, a lot of them have left me a bit cold... in the fact that they seemed very happy, very parade-like, you know? And I thought 'that's not how I feel'. I didn't used to go to Pride parades because I didn't feel included there. And part of that is because I'm trans, of course, but mostly it's because I felt out of place (...).

I hope that with my music I've managed to make it so that more people feel included, more people who felt like I did, who are... more hurt, maybe. More damaged. More desperate at times. With more violence. And, at the same time, with solidarity and a desire to make things better. I hope that all of that is felt, and that especially my queer fans feel it.”

I understand Ezra Furman very well, I feel reflected in her words. And I also feel and look for trans, non-binary and queer solidarity - but not at a Pride carnival.

LGBTIQA+-phobia, and, perhaps, especially transphobia, is growing in Spain again. PP and Vox governments ban books with LGBTIQA+ content, the PP government in Madrid has withdrawn part of that community's trans and LGBTI law, and there is more open discrimination and violence. And where is your rage in your carnival, have you forgotten the roots of Pride in the Stonewall riots, led by trans, racialised, sex workers?

I am disgusted by your Pride. What we need is a powerful protest, against LGBTIQA+-phobia, against cisheteronormativity. But, no, the other 364 days of the year, outside the Pride carnival, you are proud to be "normal", you integrate into this cisheteropatriarchal society, you are looking for your share of the cake, forgetting about racialised LGBTIQA+ people, about people who don't want to live your homonormativity, or can't, because of lack of papers in this racist and colonial state.

Enough is enough! I am not normal, nor do I want to be. I am a non-binary asexual and arromantic trans person, and for me this is not just an identity in a free and neoliberal market of identities, but a form of dissidence, gender dissidence and resistance to amatonormativity (even homoamatonormativity), to compulsory sexuality.

I will not go to your Pride. It disgusts me, fuck off with your homonormativity and your pink capitalism!