PERMANENT INTERNAL DIALOGUE

Trigger warning
This text contains graphic descriptions of child sexual abuse

Images
Shitty images
Me, as a child
Seven years old? Eight? Nine?
Me, as a child
Looking at an erect cock
Looking at it
With fear
And I cry
I cry, cry, cry

Images
Shitty images
Intrusive images
But what do they tell me?
Are they real images? Fantasies?
Are they telling me something from my past, from my childhood?
Sexual abuse?
It is my permanent internal dialogue

Images
Images of abuse
Me, as a child
Looking at the erect cock
Sucking it
With disgust
With fear
And I, my adult self
I cry
I cry, cry, cry

Images
Images of abuse
Intrusive images
That torment me
By day, by night
Are they real images? Are they fantasies?
From my childhood?
Sexual abuse?
It is my permanent internal dialogue

Images
Shitty images
Me, as a child
Sucking a cock
Looking up
I see a face
My father's face
And I keep sucking his cock
With disgust
With fear
And I?
I cry
I cry, cry, cry

Images
Shitty images
Intrusive images
And I have doubts
What do they tell me?
Are they real images? Fantasies?
From my childhood?
Sexual abuse?
It is my permanent internal dialogue

Images
Images of abuse
Images of my permanent dialogue
I don't know how to close it, I don't know how to resolve it
Did the abuse happen? Do the images tell a reality?
And I don't know what is more painful
The abuse
Or this permanent internal dialogue?
The abuse, if it happened, it's the past
But this dialogue
This shitty dialogue
This painful dialogue
That torments me
It goes on, and on, and on
And I
I cry
I cry, cry, cry