Images: Fantasies, experiments of my mind, memories?

Trigger warning:

• childhood sexual abuse

Lately, some images have been appearing to me, and I'm wondering: what do those images mean? I don't want to call them 'memories'. But what are they? Are they just fantasies? Are they experiments of my mind, like 'what do you think of this image, do you remember anything?'

I also have my doubts because of the context in which some of the images first came to me. However, some of the images stay with me and I can reproduce them outside the original context, while others are already being lost.

The child in the bed: This image began to appear for the first time perhaps three weeks ago. It first appeared when I was trying to stimulate myself to masturbate. The image is of a child in a bed, mouth down, and dressed in shorts. The bed has blue sheets, or perhaps white sheets. I'm not clear that this child is me. Sometimes, two arms appear to take off the child's pants. But I don't see a person. The arms are male.

That image appeared to me several times, at first always in the same context of stimulating me to masturbate (and it doesn't work for that). But I can easily recreate it now. It stays with me. I feel anxiety when I think about that image.

My father's face: A few days ago, a variation of the same image appeared to me. It was in the same context - stimulating me to masturbate. My father's face appeared in the same image of the child in bed, but not as part of the image, but as a montage on a poster: my father's face in a circle next to the image. It's already difficult for me to reproduce that image.

My father penetrating me: It was almost at the end of a masturbation. For the previous image, I started with creating a more pleasant image of a black man to masturbate. However, in the end, when I imagined that this man was penetrating me, the image of my father got in the way, and finally it was my father who was penetrating me (but penetrating me as the adult I am now, not as a child). Also, I find it hard to reproduce that image.

My naked father: Yesterday, the image of my father appeared to me naked. I have no memory of ever seeing my father naked (of my mother yes - she sometimes walked up from the shower in the basement of our house to my parents' bedroom where their closet was naked, in a failed attempt to make nudity look natural. But today I find it hard to reproduce that image.

A child sucking a dick: The same day I saw the image of the same child as the first image sucking an adult's (or teenager's) dick. The child is dressed. There's not much more than the adult's dick in the image. That image I can reproduce, but it gets a little blurry.

My mother: last night, when I was touching my penis, I saw the image of my mother touching my penis. But it doesn't stay that way anymore.

What do all those images mean? What do the images that stay, and the ones that I have trouble reproducing, mean?