Crash

Yesterday, in the end, I fell. I saw it coming in the morning, but I couldn't prevent it. I crashed, and it was painful. I cried a lot, and although a long bath helped me to calm down for a while, then I cried again when I looked at the messages on my mobile. It wasn't the messages, it was the fact that we can't see each other, hug each other, and seeing the messages from friends that I would normally meet made me cry.

I also drank. I know it's not good, but in the last few weeks I've been drinking at least half a bottle of wine a day. Now is not the time to also fight alcohol. I know I can easily quit when this is over, when I come out of this trauma.

When I went to bed, I had a headache and a stomachache from crying. I didn't have to cry anymore, and I managed to sleep well for at least a few hours - I was tired, as the night before I didn't sleep well at all. But I woke up at 6:00 in the morning, still very anxious.

I woke up with anxiety in my chest again. Sometimes I also feel fear in my stomach. Fear of I don't know what. Yesterday they passed me a "de-escalation plan" from confinement, and it scares me. Social distance of 2m until at least the end of June (if everything goes "well"), although gradually we will be allowed to go out more, to meet each other maintaining a distance of 2m. I can't. I don't know which is worse, not meeting anyone or meeting friends and not being able to hug each other? If I could choose between the virus and more trauma, I would choose the virus any time. But I don't have this choice.

I'm at my limit, and I feel like I can't take much more. I'm trying to tell myself that this will pass, that I'll come out of it stronger, more in touch with myself, but I don't seem to be able to convince myself.

I'm meeting a friend today, and I'm hoping this will be good for me. Some "normal" life, now illegal: human contact. Hugs. Chatting. Drinking. Living. I don't let them take this away from me, and I don't care about their State of Alert. My personal State of Alert is different: retraumatization, anxiety, helplessness.