A break

Tonight for the first time in weeks I slept well, and I didn't wake up at 4:00 in the morning or even earlier. I am enjoying a day with little anxiety and little tension in my body - at least so far.

Yesterday was a day of struggling to keep the anxiety level bearable, and I also felt a lot of tension in my body most of the day. In the morning I woke up at 4:00 am, and didn't go back to sleep. Sometimes I thought about my childhood and adolescence and cried a little at times. In the end I got up at 6:30 am to go out and take a walk by the river. I went to the river and sat down a bit near the water, this time without fear of the police (not completely - in theory we shouldn't stop during a walk or exercise, so as not to cause crowding). After maybe 15 minutes I got up to walk a bit. I returned home at 8:00.

Yesterday I also spoke with my colleague/friend from my cooperative Netuxo, and we assume for now that I won't be working for at least another month. It's more realistic and it was a relief to approach it that way. I feel less pressure, and I don't think I can take much pressure during these times of mental health crisis.

Then I went to Tramallol, where I normally work, to wait for the delivery of a book I had ordered, unfortunately without changing the address to my home. I took my laptop and did a few things, but very few. Most of the time I just waited for the delivery listening to music. It was sad to see this space so empty for weeks.

My book arrived (Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi: Life isn't Binary), and I went home. I started reading a little - I haven't read a page in a book for weeks, since I finished Tom Spanbauer's book - but I was able to concentrate on the book. I think it has to do with that the book is also about me - as was Tom Spanbauer's book - and this allows me to concentrate on the book. I think trauma does this: everything is centered around you, and it's hard to concentrate on other things.

I had lunch with my flatmates on our terrace (although we ate different things, as my flatmates are not vegan), and then I chatted with one of my flatmates some more. At first we talked about trauma, and then about going back to Tramallol. Thinking about how to get back to work in this space really overwhelms me, and this morning I thought more about what I could do about it. The idea of working in a space where people wear masks and gloves, and the crisis is present all the time seems unbearable to me. Although I would like to continue in Tramallol when I can work again, I fear that in these conditions it will be impossible for me. I need to get out of the house, and I do this several times a day, but sometimes also seeing many people wearing masks makes me feel helpless and I feel on the verge of crying. These are not conditions for my work space, and I fear that what might be necessary for Tramallol could be counterproductive to my mental health.

Although in theory it is only allowed to go out once for a walk, I went out again in the afternoon for another walk. During the walk a friend from Turkey called me and we talked for a while. I returned home and felt more at ease, and also the tension in my back was gone. I spent a few more hours listening to music and having two glasses of wine before going to bed, and I found myself falling asleep soon.